Author : Rtn. Gangaram Shamdas Purswani(P.H.F)
When people get married, they promise to spend a lifetime together.
During these years, both partners do a lot of growing, and you can either grow together, or grow apart.
While there is no sure shot formula to make things work, certain things should be discussed so the marriage doesn’t take you by surprise.
How often do we hear people say, “It’s almost like I married someone else.” Or, “I wish I had known this before we got married.” So the best solution, naturally, is to talk and discuss certain things no matter how tough it may be!
There is a long list that people discuss and we will get to it later, but here is the most important one, that usually people omit – “Do you really want to get married?” It is best to know if the other person is agreeing to this marriage under duress, coercion or desperation! Here is a person promising to spend their life with you. Make sure it is what both of you want!
Then of course, is the age old dilemma! Where will you stay? With in-laws? Without? Are both of you comfortable with the arrangement? This is especially important because in India, marriages are often between families and one needs to be happy or at least willing on this count.
Don’t forget the money issues if both of you work. This one is embarrassing since the subject of money is often taboo. But enough marriages end over this one! Who takes care of daily expenses? Who saves for old age? Will there be a joint account? If only one works, how much pocket money can the other person expect for personal needs? I know a couple who broke up exactly over this. To her, it was their money, to him, it was individual!
Ambition too, is a big part of this discussion. Sounds silly? Read on! Where do you see yourself a few years from now? Better job? More money? More qualifications? It’s best to know if both of you share the same aspirations, ambitions and will be sharing a similar life.
Children are also going to be a big part of life, by their presence or absence. With more and more couples opting to not have kids, or adopt, this one is extremely important! Also, don’t forget to discuss how many rays of sunshine you want! You will also need to discuss if one of you will quit working to look after them or if there will be a nanny. Apart from other practical things, this also puts financial pressure on the earning partner. So make sure you plan for it.
Also do a mental checklist of things that are deal breakers for you. Do you want someone who is religious? This is a very important one! Imagine being woken you on Sunday morning to go for a Satsang if you are not ritualistic! And imagine being told that your partner refuses to do Pujas if you are religious! It’s best to know what to expect and set your expectations accordingly!
A lot of people have other non-negotiable too! Like smoking, drinking, reading, choice of food, vegetarianism etc. makes sure you have your list ready.
The magic of togetherness Having said all of this, believe in love, togetherness and the fact that marriage is about compromise and adjustments.
If male partner is having work place in overseas, most part of life of female partner will be with your husband in Overseas. Are she and her parents ready?
Do you have your any Past or Present Affairs with boys? Have you ever married before?
And that perfect person, who ticks all your boxes, lives inside pages of romance novels! Real people have real flaws and that is what makes them perfect! And if you find someone who sets your heart racing, but does not tick all your boxes, create new boxes for them to tick! And make sure you leave room for and interesting surprises!